My Evolution of “I Miss You”
Here I am, writing in my happy place, nature :D
Over the years I’ve used the phrase “I miss you” to mean a couple different things. Or rather… the phrase has been rooted in different emotional experiences. As a child, I suffered from some attachment/separation issues. Initially with my mom. I remember being inconsolable when I was quite young (maybe 5?) and she and my dad would go out on a date, or to a social event, leaving my brother and I with a babysitter. I also remember being “shy” in new social situations and clinging to my mom’s lap for as long as she would permit. I remember being unwilling or hesitant to get out of the car when I was being dropped off for a social event of my own. While eventually I “got over it” with my mom, it was really that she was no longer my main source of emotional support. As my closest emotional bonds became my friends and later my boyfriend, those feelings were merely transferred, not resolved. I recall feeling hurt when a friend of mine that I was spending a lot of time with would spend time with another friend and I would only find out the next school day how they had such a blast together. I remember experiencing grief as a young adult when boyfriend would leave for military training exercises, I would cry the whole drive home after dropping him off for a stint of 2–4 weeks apart. From childhood to young adulthood, my parents would attempt to support me through these emotions. The advice I remember receiving was usually dismissals and silver linings. We now know, as a collective, these to be unhelpful at best. The message I received was that my feelings were unreasonable, that I was over-reacting, that “at least (insert reason I should feel grateful not grief)”. This type of support cemented into me the pre-existing internalized message that challenging emotions were unhealthy or at least unwelcome — something to reject or repress, certainly never to be expressed.
Like many children and teens who aren’t taught how to properly embrace, accept, feel, and process their challenging emotions, I found other ways of coping. Fortunately I found relatively healthy methods to avoid feeling. My distractions included reading, socializing, working, and above all using logic to repress feelings. When I was questioned by my parents on these feelings — usually when my emotional state was influencing my behaviour towards them, I learned to simply say “I miss him.” When I was crying on the phone or at drop off, my boyfriend asked what’s wrong I would say “I miss you” rather than admit the feelings I was now ashamed of. This phrase was a bypass to avoid a repeated conversation about the grief, anxiety, or depression I was feeling and not processing. People who didn’t know me well would accept “I miss him” and often consider it endearing or sweet. As if it were an indication of how “deep” or “true” my love for my boyfriend was —when really the romanticization of anxious attachment and co-dependency is the result of mainstream heteronormative media and ideologies. Saying “I miss you” got people to leave me alone so I could continue ignoring my feelings. Seems healthy, right?
As I became emotionally and spiritually aware, I began to heal from the experiences that led me to develop an anxious attachment style and learned that I was using “I miss you” rooted in grief and unhappiness. Eventually I began using it from a healthier emotional state. My emotional experience of separation became less challenging to regulate, and I was able to process those feelings more efficiently and transmute them into joy and anticipation for the reunion that I began to trust would happen at the end of the separation. Practicing mindful meditation was and is a big part of my growth and healing. Learning that I am not my thoughts or my emotions made letting go of thoughts of the future (which can lead to feeling anxious), the past (which can lead to feeling depressed), and learning to keep myself grounded and feeling peace and joy in the present moment vastly improved my mood during separation from partners and allowed the phrase “I miss you” to become rooted in excitement for reconnection. I began to accept that I could be emotionally disconnected from a partner while I was separated from them without it leading to sadness. I trusted that there would be a joyous reunion coming up.
Since realizing this tendency for emotional disconnection, I assumed that this was why I believed myself incapable of maintaining a long-distance relationship. I still struggle to maintain an emotional connection with partners that I don’t see regularly, but I think I have found a new path to healing. Yesterday I learned of a psychological trait called object constancy. This is the ability to maintain an emotional bond with others while they are not in our presence¹. If you developed this trait, you have more success feeling secure in a relationship while separated from a partner (extenuating circumstances aside). For instance, if you have resolved a conflict with someone recently, you are able to emotionally self-regulate and continue about your day without anxiety, depression, or feeling disconnected. I struggle with object constancy. I have a very “out of sight, out of mind” emotional experience with others — friends, family, partners, pets, etc. When I experience conflict with a partner and we are not physically together, even it’s an established relationship (5+ years), even if they’re a partner with whom I co-habitate, I feel disconnected from the relationship until I see them again. Including if the conflict has been resolved! I feel emotions like nervousness, anxiety, and disconnection/apathy until I can be in their presence and find reassurance verbally, physically, or by reading their mood and behaviour towards me.
Becoming aware is always the first step to healing for me and as I continue to grow more interdependent, and emotionally self-regulating in general, I find myself no longer experiencing the “I miss you”s. Not in a grieving way; not in an anticipatory way. As long as my individual needs for emotional intimacy, physical affection, and intellectual stimulation are being met… I don’t “miss” my partners. I am emotionally content in their absence, even when feeling emotionally disconnected from the relationship.
This new development coincides nicely with my growth away from attachment to outcomes. I am no longer emotionally hurt or thrown when plans with a partner change, or fall through. This all points to a healthier way of loving without attachment, and open relating. I look forward to the freedom this affords me, and the oppourtunity for more self-discovery and growth to explore. Next up, how to reconnect effectively and efficiently when reunited with a partner: showing up as my authentic self, expressing my positive emotions in the present moment without reservation. You might wonder why this would be considered growth work, or even a challenge for me to do — and this is probably a topic I will likely write about — but for now, to put it simply, when I learned to repress and shame myself for the the unwelcome or challenging emotions, I repressed all the positive and joyous ones too. I couldn’t pick and choose which emotions I repressed or expressed. Emotions, for me, are all or nothing. More on that another time.
Citations:
1 — https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201808/are-your-loved-ones-out-sight-out-mind#:~:text=All%20these%20involve%20something%20called,2%20to%203%20years%20old.
